Is age discrimination in dating wrong?
My coworker A. and I were talking the other day about how frustrating it is that guys in San Francisco seem to be in this state of arrested development. They can have kids whenever they want, and when they decide that's what they want, they can always date someone younger. So, they get a free pass until...mid-30s? 40s? 50s? After dating guys her own age who just wouldn't deal with their lives, she's dating someone about eight years older. "He's a man," she said. He plans things, he takes responsibility, he's got his act together. Yay for A.!
A. said that her guy friends started to feel the urge to get serious around age 33. My friend R.'s roommate said something similar. When he was younger, he said that even if he was with the right girl, he wouldn't marry her. Now, at age 33, he feels that if he meets a good girl, he has to marry her because he's running out of time. A's friends don't seem to hear any clocks ticking. They prefer not to date girls in their mid-30s because women at that age could be in a rush to get married, and they don't want to be rushed.
I do suspect that this is one reason why I don't get more responses on Match. At 35, I'm at the age where some guys think I want to get married right away. They don't want the pressure, so they don't write back. I understand, but it feels deeply unfair. I'm a good person. I'm smart. I'm cool. I'm in a band, for god's sakes! I do want to get married and have kids, but not immediately.
Years ago, my now 41-year-old brother said that he wanted to be like our dad: he wanted to marry a hot, younger chick. And, oddly enough, a few years ago, he fell in love with a hot, younger chick who's perfect for him, and he's marrying her next year. She's my age.
I don't want to be like our parents. My dad was almost 50 when they had me (my mom was almost 40), and there is a serious generation gap between us. That's one reason why it's frustrating to me that so many of the guys contacting me are significantly older. I was talking about this to Sterling, of the Bros Roundtable, and he said, "To be fair, aren't you doing exactly what you're accusing guys of? You're ruling these guys out because they're too old."
He's right, of course. But why is it so damn hard to date someone my own age?
What the hell am I doing?
I've been seriously questioning the value of all this online dating nonsense. It's a lot of work, a lot of money (in the case of Match), and I've met only one nice guy through it (not through Match -- I'll post about him later). In the meantime, I'm spending all this time at home, alone, on my computer, trying desperately to get return emails. In the meantime, I'm missing out on all these things that I want to be doing.
Online dating sites are kind of like virtual bars, right? Match is like the big, pleasant bar with the obvious neon sign. Everyone goes there first. If they like the people there, they stay and they hang out. If they don't, they just end up being virtual wallflowers, sipping their beers, and trying (perhaps in vain) to talk to people. It works for a lot of people. Two of my friends met their husbands through Match.
I think what I'm realizing is that Match isn't really for me. It's so much work, and for me, there's no payoff. I've only met up with one guy from Match, and as you can all see from my ever-increasing tally of emails sent, it's not really from lack of trying. Yes, I could try harder. Of course I could. But I still don't think it's quite the right place for me.
People there are all about what they do. I'm not really about what I do. I mean, I play music, but I don't want to talk about music all the time. I like traveling, but it's more about the little experiences, eating an eclair by a Japanese patissier on a sunny day in Jardin du Luxembourg. I don't care about crossing off countries as if they're on a big to-go list. I like having smart conversations and doing stupid things and struggling with the crossword on a Sunday morning while eating a big, gigantic homemade breakfast. I want a home that feels cozy and welcoming, where friends drop by and we have big BBQs in summer and game nights the rest of the year. That doesn't really translate on Match. Or at least, I haven't been able to make it translate.
I need a new strategy. I need to actually meet people, like in the real world. I'm open to suggestions, people. I don't need cheerleading, I need strategy. In the meantime, I'll do a third revision of my profile and see what that gets me.
Email 14: Smiley faces are not endearing
I'm 35. I'm beyond the age of smiley faces. Yet, I can see their purpose in email, text, IM, etc., when you don't have any body language or tone of voice to get your cues from. Sarcasm, for example, can just come across as bitchy if you don't follow it up with a :) or ;).
This guy's profile was chock-full of :O) smiley faces. I thought, maybe he's just trying to be cute or doesn't quite know what to say. He did have some thoughtful things, too, like how at our age, you just have to accept that everyone has baggage. It's the scars of living a life. That's maybe more eloquent than he put it. He's also a musician (plus) and lives on the peninsula (minus, but not dealbreaker). I wrote him.
Subject: Everyone does have baggage
Date: March 5I loved the line in your profile about everyone having baggage and that it's silly to deny it. I had a friend once who, in college, said she never wanted to date any guys who hadn't been crushed (her word) because there's something valuable that you learn from that experience. And by the time you get to be an adult, it seems that if you haven't been hurt, you're either freakishly lucky or you just haven't been trying to find your person.
What's the cover band? A friend of mine and I used to dream about starting a cover band together. I envy people who know that many songs. (It's easy in bluegrass -- you only have three, sometimes four chords).
He wrote back about an hour later.
Date: March 5
I don't know what else to say except.... YUP! ;o)
Seriously, it was really kind and sweet of you to acknowledge what I had to say about the subject. I mean come on, puh-LEEEEEAZE! Right? And I HATE that we've all had to have been "crushed" to become this way, but I guess it is just "due process" at this point... Yeah, I think we ALL would've liked to have found the loves of our lives the first time out, but then you KNOW that most people who've done that might have been wondering, "Hmmm... Maybe I settled or should've found out a little MORE about myself first, huh?" I don't know... Just another "perspective" on the whole thing, I guess?! Oy...
The cover band would be [Funny name of band]. LOL! And when I think about it, yeah it is pretty staggering how many damn songs I've learned/played over the years?! Good to know I put the old noggin' to good use for SOMETHING, right?! Again, oy... LOL!
And I think it's WONDERFUL that you play Mandolin... I've always been kinda terrified of it with it's skinny little neck and different tuning and all... Hee!
Alrighty then... Enough of my ramblings for now... Thanks for "stalking" (as they call it here) for profile! Yours is wonderful, by the way... *Blush*
Ummmmmm. I didn't write back. He IM'd me on OKCupid a couple of days later.
Hey there... I'm assuming you got my reply to your note?
Whoops... Maybe you're away from the computer, oh well! Just wanted to say "hi"... Hope you have a wonderful day! I'm gettin' outside myself while the weather's so nice... See ya!
And then he emailed me again. With the ;0) smiley face. I know it sounds really lame to not be interested in a guy because of smiley faces, and let's be honest, that's not the reason why. There's just something about his energy that is really, really turning me off. I found his email exhausting to read. And the smiley faces are part of that.
Email 16: The traveler
As my friend R. pointed out, everyone on Match loves traveling. This guy talked about how he loved traveling, but his job (in something science-related) was preventing him from traveling more. He also loves listening and creating music and wanted someone who shared his values. I listen to and create music! I have values!
He never wrote back. Maybe he was traveling?
Subject: Bitten by the travel bug
Date: Mar 6Hi!
Sometimes it feels like torture to have all these amazing places to go in the world, and the ability to get there and experience the phenomenal things they have to offer, and yet not have the time. I work on a brand-new travel magazine, and while we're getting it off the ground, we have pretty limited vacation. So all day I'm working on stories about the campesino food "renaissance" in Mexico or tango shoes from Argentina (for our product section -- they're engineered to make it easier for women to walk backward!) or quirky theme cafes in Tokyo and trying to narrow it all down to figure out where I'm actually going to go with my one week that isn't already spoken for. (I'm thinking Croatia -- both to Istria to research a confusing twist in my family history and also to see the Dalmatian Coast.)
So if you had a month off to travel (or six months, while we're talking hypothetically), where would you go?
Email 15: Cyclist number two
It's attractive when guys, or anyone, really, knows what they want. It's even more appealing when they seem to be describing you. This guy was looking for an artsy, creative, athletic, spiritually conscious, fun-loving type. That's me! Well, I'm semi-athletic. I do athletic things. And he's a cyclist. I must have been on a cycling fix or something. He also talked a lot about being up for anything, having an adventurous spirit, and taking risks.
Subject: Pro-fixie or anti-fixie?
Date: Mar 4
Hi!I was just looking at your photos and saw the one of the "One less fixie" sticker on the bike. Are you pro-fixie or con? A friend of mine explained to me that he started riding a fixie to work to build up his leg strength for a triathlon he was training for. This still didn't help me understand the appeal, since I always went for consistent RPMs (I'm still working on that, though).
I love that you're looking for someone with an "I'll try it" attitude. I've learned that I work best with people who say "yes" (or at least "sure") more than "no."
So what's the best risk you've ever taken?
He wrote back not long after.
Subject: Pro-fixie or anti-fixie?
Date: Mar 4Hi,
I'm off and running for work so I'll have to think about my "best risk" and get back to you later today.
Thanks for the email, I loved your "cat people vs dog people" analogy... it sounds like the roots to a good bluegrass song...
I'll write again soon, cheers-
He didn't write again soon. And then I thought, do I write him back? He said he'd write me... I didn't write him back. Maybe I'll message him again. Maybe I won't. He did have something about sexual compatibility in his profile, which, sure, if it's important to you, maybe it makes sense to put it in there, but it also sort of feels like putting the cart before the horse.
Email 13: Life observations
One of the reasons I really love Twitter is that I can share the little daily observations I make with my friends--all those things that make you want to turn to the person next to you and say, "Did you see that?" Like the black Lab in my neighborhood one time holding a stuffed mallard duck in his mouth, as if he had just retrieved it from a hunt.
This guy's profile started off with several sweet observations that he'd made recently. He said he was attuned to people and their interactions. He's also a cyclist and likes hosting game nights. Win! I emailed him a couple of weeks ago, in one of my "I'm going to email one guy every day" phases.
Hi--
I love those moments when you feel like you deeply observe what's going on around you. I remember one time, when I lived in Portland (in a poor neighborhood) seeing a woman get on the bus with her barely-toddler son. The way they interacted reminded me of the Madonna and child -- a living pieta. Those moments can really stay with you.
I'm fascinated about your job. Tell me more! After I did a triathlon in 2004 (I've switched to the occasional half-marathon since then), I got really into cycling, then the Tour de France, then the physiology of Lance Armstrong (my theory is that he's clean but superhuman) and how someone's body type sets them up for success or failure in a sport. Maybe it's just me projecting -- it wasn't until I realized I had bad depth perception and just focused on running, etc., that I realized I could be an athlete. It was such a turning point for me.
So what board games do you play? Game nights are the best.
Nada.
Next!
Funny pickup lines
I know, I know. I still have to edit the final (and best) Bros Roundtable episode from our last recording sesh. But Kristin's post on pickup lines (from about two weeks ago) is just too funny to not pass on. It reminded me of the BRT bit about the "Do you have a ferret" pickup line.
Snowboarding: better without a boyfriend
First off, let me apologize for my rant in my last post. The world is small, and one must just deal with it. So that's what I'm going to do: deal, not rant.
I was in Lake Tahoe this weekend with some friends and decided to try snowboarding for the first time in about two years. I started about five or six years ago when I was dating C.C. He had a friend who lived in Tahoe, and we'd get season passes and go up just about every other weekend in winter. I took lessons, I bought gear, and after two seasons, I was a decent blue (intermediate) snowboarder. Then we broke up.
Then I dated D.D., whose family had a house in Tahoe. We went snowboarding together twice (the first time, I ran into C.C. on the slopes. Awkward...). Then we broke up.
Then I stopped snowboarding. It was too expensive, I didn't have many friends who went, blah blah blah. Plus, I never really got very good.
Or so I thought. This weekend, I took a lesson, and I immediately started linking turns again. My instructor took me to an intermediate hill and helped me work on my speed. And guess what? I was decent! She said my form was great! All I have to work on is speed, she said!
Both C.C. and D.D. did the "helpful guy" thing of trying to be my teacher, as opposed to a fun activity partner, when we'd ride together. With both of them, I'd tell them that I didn't want any more advice, I didn't want them to teach me, I wanted to ride by myself because it wasn't fun to ride with them, etc.
But guys like to fix problems, and as much as I tried to set expectations, I wasn't explicit enough to overcome their need to help me become a better snowboarder. (As a side note, I've been thinking lately about how guys always want to help fix things, yet they mostly offer to help with the stuff you can fix yourself. Why don't they offer more with the hard stuff, the things you really need their help with?)
It was a bad pattern. Both of them would offer advice that, when I followed it, I'd catch an edge and totally conk my head. (I realized in my lesson today that they were offering advice for someone about three levels higher than me. Snowboarding was so easy for them that they lost perspective.) I completely lost confidence in my ability, and in both relationships, something that could have been a fun activity for us to do together because a source of contention and frustration.
So this weekend, when all the other couples went off skiing together, I, the lone single girl went off snowboarding by herself. And I had a blast. I rode the same run over and over, working on my skills. I remembered why I loved it in the first place. In one two-hour lesson, I felt that I got most of my technique back. (My legs were exhausted, but at least I knew what to do!)
And so I decided: I'm never snowboarding with someone I'm dating until I get much, much better. It's great to find someone who loves to do the things you love to do, but when you start to not love that thing because of the dynamic you have with that person, you need to change something. I think I'm mature enough now that I can say, "Yes, let's go snowboarding together, and when I say 'together,' I mean, 'I'll go off on my own, you go off on your own, and we'll meet for lunch.'"
Getting caught on online dating
When I had roommates, my cool roommate, Kerry, and I constantly talked about dating. We were both hopeless at it (she was far more prolific, but we still ended up in roughly the same spot). She said a few times, "Post something on Craigslist. You probably won't meet anyone, but it'll be a big ego boost." So I posted something about how I didn't really know what I was all about, but here's what I did know: I love dahlias, I played bluegrass, blah blah blah.
A few months later, I was emailing with a friend of an ex, and he said, "Hey, I've been meaning to ask you, do you like dahlias?"
The way I remember it, which may not have been what actually happened, is that I was at work, frozen, jaw dropped, staring at my screen for about five minutes, while some part of my subconscious worked furiously on a plan to cash out my limited assets and leave the country immediately.
I definitely freaked out. Not on him. Well, a little bit on him. But I felt so violated. I felt that some part of me had been laid bare. As if I found out there was some sex tape of me out on the Internet somewhere.
He had a good excuse: he felt like he couldn't not acknowledge it. He'd seen it, he had to own up. That made sense. And, honestly, no matter how he brought it up, I would have been shocked.
But still, I've never posted anything on Craigslist again. It was too embarrassing.
Today, I got a message from Match. Hooray! I thought. I am wildly unpopular on Match.
Then I read it.
Hey, stranger.
Fancy meeting you here. How is this match.com thing working for you?
From: the biggest d-bag of a bluegrass promoter in town. The guy who bills my all-gal band as "girls girls girls" like we're g.d. strippers. The guy who books 3 bands, charges $12 at the door, and somehow, even when the place is packed, the bands only end up with $50 each -- as in, each band, not each person. The guy who EVERYONE has seen totally hit on girls who are clearly trying to get away from him.
He thinks I'm as desperate as he is. And, let's be honest: I am.
The thing with the bluegrass scene is that everyone knows my business. My last long-term relationship was with someone else in the scene, and everyone knew about it. Everyone knows he's dating someone else. Everyone knows we don't talk. And everyone blames me. Allegedly crazy me.
This is why I hate online dating. As much as I contribute to gossip, I do believe that some things should be allowed to be personal. (Yes, I realize how ironic it is that I'm writing this on a public blog. I'm starting to rethink this whole thing, too.)
Arrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh.
Everyone does like music
After my conversation with R. (and three of our three married or engaged friends) about how everyone's profiles on Match say the same things, I saw this online profile word cloud from Matt on the Plenty of Fish blog.
Women's interests word cloud
Men's interests word cloud
Matt analyzes it a bit, and while the results aren't entirely suprising (women's listed interests indicate bonds, men's interests are more activity-based), I always find it fascinating how that comes through in something like the interests section of an online dating profile. He did find some gems, though, such as that men list cooking more than women.
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