100 Emails, 20 Dates An SF girl's systematic quest to end her singlehood

Email 12, Date 3: The "resume date"

For some reason, the only people I get matched up with on Match are in their 40s. So when J. (45, musician, blah blah) emailed me, I thought, "What the heck? Maybe I should be open to guys 10 years older than me."

Date: March 1
Subj: Musicians are the best...

I enjoyed reading your profile. I think we have at least one very special thing in common, which is hard to find in a mate, music. I have a business career, but still make music a big part of my life. I've been playing in bands for a very long time, and still do.

Please have a look at my profile, and if you think we should learn more about each other, let me know. I'd love to come and see your band some time.

Happy Sunday.

I have a (minor) quibble with the "we have one special thing in common which is hard to find in a mate" thing. My friend R. and I were just talking about this on Sunday. She said, "I don't think everyone loves traveling the way that I love traveling." I said, "It's the same with music." Everyone on Match is into traveling, hiking, music, and trying new restaurants. (Our friend Annie had a friend who didn't like traveling or hiking, and she quit it because she couldn't find anyone.) It's not that special.

Anyway, I wrote back.

Date: March 4
Subj: Re: Musicians are the best...

Oh, I bet you say that to all the musicians.

It's so great to have that balance that you mentioned. I worked for a while (six years, actually) at a guitar magazine. It was my absolute dream job when I started -- and again when I got to head up the relaunch of our magazine for beginning players -- but after six years, music felt like work. Thankfully, a new job, playing some different styles of music, and a little bit of time helped me find my love for playing again.

So what kind of music do you play? What's your favorite thing to do in the Virgin Islands? (I've never been.)

His response:

Date: March 4
Subj: Musicians are the best...

I have a friend that works at a guitar magazine. His name is [redacted]. Maybe you know him?

I play a few styles of music, but mainly rock, classic rock, funk, pop, r&b, country, blues, a bit of swing. Been in many bands, done a lot of road work with national acts. What about you, what kinds of music do you play?

Favorite thing in the Virgin Islands is BEING THERE. Nothing like it. Most beautiful place on earth. But, to be more specific, I have chartered sailboats down there many times, and also done a lot of diving, snorkeling, and hiking. And eating and drinking, of course. :)

Want to talk on the phone? See if we hit it off? You can reach me at [redacted]. If you'd rather keep writing, write away.

Good night.

I told him I'm terrible over the phone (I am), but that I'd be happy to meet him for coffee. We made plans for Saturday afternoon, and I started to pick up a little type-A vibe as we settled on a place.

Saturday afternoon came, and I really didn't want to go. I don't want to date someone 10 years older. My dad is 10 years older than my mom. I don't want that. I was totally dragging my heels, but I thought that, at the least, it would be good practice.

I was running late, but Muni arrived in perfect time, and I got off the train -- two blocks away from where we were meeting -- at 1:53. Perfect! As I'm walking up, my cell starts ringing. It's J., wondering where I am. I know that people's clocks can be set differently, but come on! Give a girl a five-minute grace period before you call.

The place was packed, so we went to a nearby cafe and sat at a sunny spot near the window. The sun was shining in my eyes, which I didn't entirely mind, but I had that squinty, half-smile, sun-is-directly-in-my-face expression.

We didn't really have anything in common (except that we both play two different instruments in very different styles), but he proceeded to launch into what I like to call "the resume date." He listed off his work accomplishments, his musical accomplishments, the places he's been on vacation. How he doesn't just do one or two dives and then drink beers on the deck (which, quite frankly, sounds awesome to me). Oh no. He does four or five dives every day, and when the sun goes down, he goes on night dives. And when they're tired of diving, they go on serious hikes, "I mean, serious hikes. Not this walk in the park shit." (He apologized the first two times he said "shit," then gave himself free rein.)

He asked me two questions about myself.

I know, from reading Men Are From Mars, that guys will go on doing that, thinking that it's making you happy, unless you give them a clear cue that it's not. I had that damn squinty smiley expression on my face, so I was giving him a clear -- and totally wrong -- clue. And I just wasn't interested enough to interrupt.

Perfectly nice guy, but not at all the right fit for me.

Lessons learned:

• "Music" is not really something in common
• Trust my instincts a bit more: I need to give people a chance, but I also need to listen to my gut. I know what doesn't work, so I should rule those people out.
• It can be strangely difficult to get away from an afternoon date.
• 43 is my new cut-off age.