100 Emails, 20 Dates An SF girl's systematic quest to end her singlehood

Email 17, Date 4: Too much in common

Every day, OKCupid puts three guys in your Quiver. (Get it? Cupid? Bow and arrow? It's like they're arrows that you're going to...shoot at your own heart? The metaphor falls apart a bit there.) You check out their profile and photos and you can either write to them or say, "No, thanks." (And the OKCupid algorithm notes who you pass on and who you email to find you better matches in the future.)

I almost always find someone in my Quiver who's attractive and interesting. Reading S.'s profile, I wondered if the algorithm had created someone for me. Some highlights:

• He likes music that's poppy and twangish
• He likes talking politics and describes himself as a moderate who votes Democrat
• He loves Scrabble
• His favorite Beatle is Paul and favorite Monkee is Mickey
• He listens to Benny Goodman, Big Star, Crowded House, and all sorts of other bands I thought I only listened to
• HOWEVER, he was anti-serial comma. (For non-editors, the serial comma is the comma that comes before the "and" in a series of three or more items. Ex. peanut butter, bread, and jelly. Editors divide into two camps on the issue. Serious stuff.)

How could I not email him?

Date: 02/28/2009
Subject: I think we agree on everything but serial commas

Hey!

How can someone like all the goofy things that I do -- Scrabble, NYT crossword, twangy music, even Big Star and Benny Goodman -- and yet be averse to something that I hold so dear: the serial comma. (I have "pro-serial comma" as my religious affiliation in my Facebook profile.)

Actually, I don't know if that's a rhetorical question. How is that possible? The serial comma is at worst, harmless, and at best, helpful. My theory is that lawyers decided to abolish it so when they had their law firms' signs made, they would be one character cheaper.

He wrote back.

Date: 03/01/2009
Subject: I think we agree on everything but serial commas

Hey! My disdain for the serial comma started with the AP Stylebook and was encouraged by Vampire Weekend. Blame them. But some of my best friends (Strunk, White) are fans, and secretly I'm pleased if anyone cares enough about commas to have an opinion one way or another. (The only grammar thing that really, truly makes me blow my stack is when people stick apostrophe's in plural's for no reason. That makes me crazy.) Anyway, I don't think the comma thing should be an insurmountable obstacle.

We do seem to have an awful lot of things in common. I actually think I've seen you around -- perhaps in the Friends & Family area at Hardly Strictly?

I see Rhett Miller is playing at Yoshi's-SF soon. You going? If so, let me know and we can shake and howdy, as they say in the biz.

Gotta run. I'm supposed to play tennis with a friend at noon. Let's hope the rain holds off for a while. Thanks for writing! Ball's in your court now.

It turns out we both lived in Boston, both worked in publishing (he in newspapers, me in magazines and online), both covered music (we even knew a lot of the same publicists), both played mandolin in bluegrass bands (he only briefly). Weird.

He lives about 45 minutes south of me, so we split the distance when we met for coffee. The day we met up, I had a horrible attitude. Frustrated with Match and my resume date, which was the day before, I barely put on makeup, left a bit late, and grumbled to myself the entire half hour drive down.

But I had a great time. We had so much in common, and he was really nice to chat with. Newspaper people can be great to make small talk with. They put their interviewing skills to good use. After coffee, we walked around town a bit before hugging goodbye and pledging to hang out again.

Over the next week or so, we kept up a really nice email correspondence, then he invited me to see Throw Down Your Heart, the documentary about Bela Fleck's trip to Africa. We met up for dinner and went to see the late-ish movie.

Dinner was fun, and we had a great conversation. He asked me some really interesting questions (like, "Have you ever been married?" No. "Ever get close?"), and it was fun to actually talk about those things that you wonder about when you're getting to know someone who you might want to date.

Also, in the interest of full disclosure: I was super tired, so I may not have been as open or engaged as I could have been.

At the end of the night, I still wasn't feeling sparks. I really liked him, but I wanted him to be my friend, not my boyfriend. We were kind of too similar. Music and writing were both of our things. I know it sounds strange, but I like it when music is my thing and when the guy I'm dating has something else for his thing. I like being with someone who expands my horizons rather than consolidating them.

So I cowgirled up and emailed him (I maybe should have done it over the phone, but all our correspondence had been through email and text, so why break the pattern?). Among other friendly chattiness about music and concerts, I wrote:

I'm really enjoying hanging out with you, but I have to be honest and say that I see much more friend potential than romantic potential. I would really like to continue being friends and go see some shows together. But we did meet through a dating site, after all, so I absolutely understand if you're focused on finding someone to date right now and want to spend your energy on that.

I wanted to give him an out in case he didn't want to be friends. He wrote back, among other chattiness:

Friendship sounds nice. (Although that "much" was a bit harsh!) Thanks for being so honest and straighforward. I'll be sure to let you know when I have a +1 for a show down your way that I think you'd enjoy.

I totally didn't mean the "much"! (I wrote him back to tell him that and that I was glad he called me on it so I could clear that up!) That's what I get for hanging out with a fellow editor.