100 Emails, 20 Dates An SF girl's systematic quest to end her singlehood

Ladies, if you're going to go crazy, don't do it at work

One of the most unbelievable parts of "He's Just Not That Into You" was how all the female characters just sit around at work talking about boys. They didn't work at the Gap, they were supposed to be professionals. Women don't do that. Maybe a quick conversation here and there, but seriously? Agonizing over every detail, crying in the workplace? Doesn't happen.

Or so I thought. One Tuesday, my coworker--let's call her Kara--spent about a half hour solid telling her two cube mates how she had had this fabulous dinner with her ex. They had such a great time, it was just like old times, etc. etc. So she had it all planned out: she was going to meet him for drinks--not dinner, and not to talk because they've done all that, you know?--and she was going to look fabulous. And then I didn't hear what she had decided was going to happen next, but judging by her tone, he was going to fall back in love with her.

Ed. note: This post consists of a long story and a short analysis. If you get tired of the story (as I and my coworkers did), feel free to skip down to the analysis. I wish I had had the same option.

The next day, she was irate. IRATE! So, she recapped the entire story from the day before, and then talked about how she sent the ex an email saying, "Let's just meet up for drinks. I don't want to do dinner. I don't want to talk about everything, because we've done that, you know? I don't want to talk about how the west coast never has thunderstorms. (Note: We had just had the first thunderstorm in my 10 years of living out here.) Let's just meet up and have fun."

And what did he do?

He said no.

Can you believe it? (Her cube mates couldn't, and that went on for about 3 minutes straight.) BUT WAIT! "You won't believe what he did. He said, 'I have some errands to run on Saturday afternoon. Come with me, it'll be fun.'" Errands?!?!?! (No one could believe that, either.) "So I wrote back to him, and I said, 'Errands? That doesn't sound too fun for me.' And he wrote back saying, 'I'll buy you an ice cream.'" An ice cream?!?! Who does he think he is? I mean, really, an ice cream? What's he thinking? He invites you to run errands with him?

Oh, but wait. Recounting the events wasn't enough. "Let me read the email to you," Kara said, and then proceeded to live up to her word--and every word, in fact, in the entire email exchange. And then ask for feedback and support that every one of her sentences said the right thing in the right way and then that every one of his sentences said the wrong thing in a completely unbelievable way. And on and on for about 45 minutes.

They delved into the fact that he specified "afternoon," meaning they wouldn't be going out to dinner, right? They all concurred. That, apparently, was what was really offensive about it. "I mean, I have to run errands with him and he's not even going to buy me dinner? He's only going to buy me an ice cream?"

Later that day, Kara says to her cube mates, "So, I've been emailing my sisters and my mom about this all day." (Her manager, who is her cube mate, found this a perfectly fine way to spend a work day.) "My sister said..." and then I put on my headphones because I was already sick of hearing the story. (Note: Just a few hours earlier, Kara told me she couldn't do something--something that is part of her job--because she was too busy.) This story continued for another half hour, during which she gave the reaction of each of her family members.

Wasted work time (cumulative, to date): 1 hour 30 minutes + unknown time emailing her entire family.

Number of people consulted: 5

On Wednesday, she still couldn't believe it. Her cube mates (enablers) asked her what she was going to do. Had she responded? "I don't know what I'm going to do," Kara said. "I met this girl at the gym last night--she seemed the outdoorsy type--and she was like, 'You're going to hang out in his car with him all afternoon?' I mean, I don't even know this girl, and she was all shocked."

But really, Kara didn't want to spend her whole day waiting around for him, because he was probably going to make her wait. They discussed other possibilities. Say no! Make other plans! Everyone else in the office likely would have voted for: Shut up and move on! After 15 minutes deliberation, she decided that she was going to schedule a date for that night, so that even if the ex asked her out for dinner, she wouldn't be able to go. "Sorry, I have a date," she'd say, and he would forever rue the day he asked her to run errands with him and offered an ice cream.

As she came back in from lunch with another coworker, we could all hear her saying, "And then he offered to buy me ice cream? Ice cream. Can you believe that?"

Toward the end of the day, her cube mates, the department that was largely responsible for us being about 4 days behind on an unmovable deadline, thoughtfully asked her if she'd thought more about what she was going to do.

Fortunately, there was this guy who she wasn't very excited about, but she thought she could schedule a date with him for Saturday night. They had gone out before, and she had decided that she wasn't interested in him, but by leading him on and setting up a Saturday night date, that would help her get her mind off things. Because clearly, the looming deadlines and huge budget overruns she was facing weren't doing the trick.

Wasted work time: 2 hours 45 minutes.

Number of people consulted: 7

Now, I'll be honest. At this point, I thought that Kara wanted to be more important to her ex than she actually was. I'll spare the Thursday and Friday recaps (she did share the story with more complete strangers), and jump straight to Monday--the denouement!

"So, what happened?" everyone (meaning her two cube mates) asked. (Note: an hour later they would say in a staff meeting, "Well, since everything is running so far behind, we might have to work this weekend." They expected pity, they received none.)

"Well," Kara said. "So I got up for my morning run, you know, because I knew I would just go crazy [Ed.: too late] if I didn't run. And I'm coming back from my run, and it's like 11, and I have to get upstairs and get showered because he's going to call me at noon, right? So I'm walking past the coffee shop near my apartment, and there's this guy sitting there who is SMOKING!" Cue oohs and ahs from the cube mates. "And I'm totally sweaty, and my hair looks like shit," she says. Cue "Your hair is great" type comments from the cube mates. "But so I grab a copy of Vogue, and I sit down at one of the tables. And then they guy comes over and sits by me, and we start talking." They exchange numbers, etc.

"And it was so perfect, because it totally kept my mind off things. I was all excited about this guy, and I just floated upstairs to my apartment. And then [the ex] called and said, 'Could we meet at 2 instead?' and I was like, 'That's fine!' I was in such a great mood. I didn't care!" But what's she going to do with two hours? So she wandered around the streets, killing time, because she actually had nothing better to do than to just wander around the streets. I can not conceive of such a state of being.

Then they finally met up, and as they're walking to do the first errand, he says, "Hey, are you dating anyone?" And she says no, are you. He says, "Yes, but I'm not that crazy about her. Hey, do you remember what you said to me when we broke up?"

Kara filled in the backstory. When they dated, he always wanted a Porsche and was constantly talking about it. And she was so sick of hearing it, that when they broke up, she said, "If you ever get a Porsche, I'll help you christen it."

To answer your questions: Yes, that does mean what you think it means. Yes, she did say that loudly while at work in an open office, so all her coworkers heard.

And, yes, the "errand" was buying himself a used Porsche.

She didn't help him christen it, he drove her around a little bit before they went out with his friends. Then she went into a long talk about how he was one of the good guys, and how he was really worth fighting for. That's why she keeps hanging out with him. She knows they're going to end up together someday. Her cube mates concurred.

Wasted work time: 5 hours.

Number of people consulted: 7+

Lessons learned from this experience:

1. There are women who are as embarrassingly unprofessional as the women in "He's Just Not That Into You."
2. If you can't stay sane at work, call in sick. Seriously, we don't need to be exposed to your self-obsessed rantings. We have work to do.
3. If a guy wants to run errands with you, he's probably not that into you. You're in the "pal" section of the friend zone, and you're not getting out.
4. If your coworker starts telling a story in which it's clear that she's obsessed with a guy who is not that into her, it is not kind to let her continue in her delusional state.
5. If you wait around an entire day for a guy to pick you up to do errands with him after you have pretended to protest, he knows that your life is empty without him. He's never going to be into you because it's too much pressure to be someone's life.
6. If a guy wants you to christen his new car, he's definitely not that into you. You're an eff buddy. That's it.
7. If, after all this, after he's sent you numerous and fairly clear signals that he's not that into you, you still think that the guy is worth fighting for and that you'll end up with him, you are insane.
8. If your coworkers agree with you, they, too, are insane.
9. If your company is burning through money faster than expected and your coworkers' benefits are "on the table" and the company is talking about how they're trying to avoid cutting staff and one person spends the equivalent of almost an entire work day talking about their meaningless personal drama including an hour or more about "christening" her ex's car with him, then please, fire her ass first. Please.