100 Emails, 20 Dates An SF girl's systematic quest to end her singlehood

4Apr/101

Smartphones and other advances in dating technology

iPhone: So intuitive, even someone you're hitting on in a bar can figure it out

One night last week, I met my friend J. for a drink (or three) at a bar (or two). Between bars, we stopped and got sausage sandwiches at Rosamunde's, then took them next door to Toronado, a divey bar that has probably the best beer list in all of San Francisco. Of course, the bar was full. Not packed, but full enough that we knew better than to try to find a table all our own.

"We could sit with those guys," I said, gesturing imprecisely and awkwardly with a beer in one hand and a sausage sandwich in the other. J. went up to two guys at the table right in front of the one I meant.

"Do you mind if we share your table?" she asked. They said that their friends were coming back in.

"How about that table behind them?" I said. Those guys did not have any returning friends, so we sat down, starting eating our delicious sandwiches, and started chatting. One of the guys had just quit his job in a now-or-never moment in order to pursue a dream project (he wouldn't tell us what it was, despite the fact that I offered to sign an NDA on the back of a bar coaster). We raved about the pastries at Tartine and envied the other guy, who lived around the corner from that bakery. It was a fun night--the kind of night that made me deeply appreciate those times when people are willing to share their space with strangers. It opens up some fun conversations.

J. and I, still employed, got up to leave around 10. The cuter of the two guys asked if we'd still be there when he got back from the bathroom, and I said yes. As he left, his friend pulled a GENIUS move! He said, "OK, let's exchange contact info," and passed J. his cell phone so she could enter it herself. SO SMART! I handed that guy my iPhone, entered my info in his, and then his friend came back. I handed him my iPhone, and said, "We're doing a do-it-yourself contact info exchange."

Droid: Is that a Home key or a left arrow? And why does Menu look like a flag?

He handed me his Motorola Droid. I was befuddled.

A slight (possible) disclaimer: I am a diehard Apple fan. I'm writing this on a MacBook Pro. I love my 1st-gen iPhone, which I am back to using after my iPhone 3GS was stolen. I'd be lost without my iPod. If I had an extra $500, I would TOTALLY buy an iPad (though, since I don't, I will wait for the second generation one). But still, I did kind of feel that this was a use case the Android UI designer hadn't thought of.

First, I couldn't figure out how to get the keyboard to open. Then, in horizontal mode, I couldn't read any of the buttons. "Hit the Home button," he said. After staring stupidly at it for a few seconds, I realized that he meant the one that looked like an arrow (win for Apple for designing a button that looks the same in both horizontal and vertical orientation). The screen showed one field, for "Name," and one button: "Done." Would "Done" take me to the next field? I clicked that, then ended up in his address book, feeling like I was totally violating his privacy. I scrolled to my name (of course, toward the end of the alphabet), then couldn't figure out how to get into my record.

"Click the Menu button," he said. (By this point, I felt like a total idiot. I am normally very good with technology.) The "Menu" button probably looks menu-like when holding the screen vertically, but in horizontal view, not so much. I finally managed to enter my name, phone number, and email. I also probably managed to convince him that I was a total dunce, and now that he had my info, he wouldn't want to contact me. Tant pis.

This whole episode taught me a few important lessons:

  1. One of the best ways to meet people is by sitting with them: at the bar, at a communal table, or asking to share their table.
  2. The whole "DIY give me your number" thing is really brilliant. If everyone at the table is doing it, it takes the pressure off. It's just new friends exchanging info. Also, if you forget the person's name, it's no biggie. They enter in themselves. You look at it when they hand back the phone, and say, "It was nice talking to you, ______." Genius.
  3. UI designers should really use this as a test to see how intuitive their UI is. For example, if I had seen that there was another field in the contact form, I would have scrolled down. But I didn't know I needed to scroll down. IT WASN'T ME, I SWEAR! IT WAS BAD UI!!!! I'm half-kidding, but I'm mostly serious.

Editor's note: As I was looking for screenshots to illustrate the weird contact screen, I couldn't find a single image of Droid Contacts in landscape mode. I am taking that as further evidence that Google/Motorola are hiding this error in UI design from the public, and that I am not a technological dunce.

3Apr/100

Girls are the worst wingpeople

On St. Patrick's Day, I went out with a group of (single) girl friends. We met up at a crowded, but not packed, Irish bar, and immediately launched into a hilarious conversation. There were some really hot guys there--and far more men than women. As I tried to make eye contact with one guy, I had to nearly contort my body to face his direction. Then I saw how we were standing: in a circle, totally closed off, so engrossed in our own conversation that we were shutting everyone else in the bar out. And what were we talking about? How hard it is to meet guys in much in San Francisco.

Um....

I realized then that women can be our own worst enemies. Here we were, a group of good-looking, smart, funny, fun-loving girls who we were projecting the "Don't talk to us" vibe. It happens fairly often. It's not just uninviting; the body language says, "Back off." If a guy even thought of approaching us, he'd feel like he was stepping into the gauntlet. No fun.

Compare that to a recent night out with my (married) friend A. We went to get beers and sausages, saw that there weren't any open tables, so we joined a table with two other guys. And we all had a lovely conversation. No love connection for me, but still--I met two guys that night.

Wingwoman rule #1: Be open, not closed off.

Wingwoman rule #2: Talking about how hard it is to meet guys when trying to meet guys makes it harder to meet guys.

When I first floated the St. Patrick's Day idea to people, the idea was that we'd go to a non-Irish bar that always goes way over the top for St. Patty's (read: a place where you can actually have the experience you're looking for on March 17--a really fun night in a roomful of people who are also having a really fun night--unlike the Irish bars packed-to-the-gills with people who have been drinking since noon). Also, there was a 90% probability that a guy I was interested in was going to be there.

After the first bar, I said, "Let's go to [super fun non-Irish bar]!" The girls dilly-dallied. They wanted to eat. They didn't know what they wanted to eat. Or where. They finally decided to go to the neighborhood of the bar and find a restaurant there. They didn't know how many cabs to take. We decided on two cabs. It took a while to hail the cabs. When we got to the neighborhood, we walked around for a while until we finally agreed on a place to eat. There was a wait, of course. When we finished our dinner, everyone was tired and wanted to go home. So we did.

This is a crucial difference between chicks and bros. As my bro Ray Huff said, "Guys will totally help their guy friends get laid." They'll go to the bar. They'll buy the first round, leaving their bro more time to talk to the chick. They'll talk to the gay male friend of the girl--sometimes for hours. I've seen it happen. Guys support.

Girls do not. There have been many times when I've had to PLEAD with a friend to get her to come with me to a bar so I can hang out with a guy that I like. I know what you're thinking: "But then she went, right? What are you complaining about? It all works out in the end." No no no no no. Girls don't go. In the girl moral chain, friends come first, family comes second, work comes third, guys come fourth. So how do so many girls justify complaining so much about not having a guy?

Don't get me wrong: girls who always put guys first are not girls you want to hang out with for very long. But surely there's got to be some healthy middle ground, where girls take one for the team, chat up the less attractive or boorish friend, or--God forbid--stand by themselves in a bar for 10 minutes (thereby making themselves more likely to be approached).

Rule #3: If your girlfriend wants to chat up a guy, go with her.

Seriously, ladies, we need to help each other out. We're not getting any younger, and this sure isn't getting any easier.

In searching for advice on "How to Be a Good Wingwoman" for this post, I found only one article that was about helping your girl friends, not your guy friends. Thanks, Tyra.

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