20 dates « 100 Emails, 20 Dates

2Sep/080

Date 2: The Art of Dating

One thing I love about dating in my 30s: people have finally figured out how to date, myself included. Pessimists might say that it's the scarcity of available single (sane) people, driving up the "price" of dating. But really, I think that by the time you get to be my age (mid-30s) or so, you have these things, among many others, going for you:

You know yourself. You know what you like and what you like to do. Ideally, you're searching for a partner who fits into your life, who complements and challenges you. But you feel comfortable with and confident in yourself to know what is just really not going to work. So why bother trying it?
You can afford the occasional luxury. People don't need to be rich to date. Absolutely not. And god knows, I love pizza and dive bars. One of my favorite dates costs about $20 -- total, for both of us. But when you make enough money to be able to pay rent and budget for the occasional luxury, then it makes it even more fun to be able to include someone you're interested in on those luxuries. Why not use a date with someone new as an excuse to try a restaurant that everyone's talking about on Yelp?
You appreciate the value of making a Tuesday (or whatever day of the week) night special. Why not? Everyone likes to feel special every now and again.

B. dated my bandmate, P., in college. She'd been telling me for ages that she was going to fix me up with him -- even though she barely talked to him anymore. Last Monday night, she apparently got over the awkwardness of saying, "Hey, I know I haven't talked to you in a year, but are you dating anyone?" and convinced him to come to our show. He and I spoke about five words to each other: I mentioned I was going to get a taco and asked P. if she wanted anything. "Where do you go to get tacos?" B. asked. "At this little taqueria on Mission right around the corner," I said. "We might want to go later. How do you get there?" he asked. I told him. That, and the obligatory, "You guys were good," was about the extent of our conversation.

Over email, he suggested dinner at Canteen, which I immediately loved because:

I've never been there
it's a (sort-of) diner
it had chocolate-hazelnut pots de creme on the menu. Pretty much my dream dessert.

Done!

Except -- they're closed for the week. How about Local, he suggested? Near my office, great gourmet pizzas fired in their on-site brick oven, excellent wine selection. I was sold. Plus, I liked that he knew about so many San Francisco restaurants that were completely new to me.

I got there early, figuring I could have a drink before I got there. "Would you like to sit at the pizza bar or the wine bar?" Wine bar, for sure.

Lo and behold, B. was sitting at the bar already. "I'm getting my own private wine tasting," he said. I liked his easy nature -- in his emails and even in that one line. He was confident and comfortable. I am (hopefully endearingly) awkward. I was glad I hadn't spilled coffee on myself that day.

Sampling a few whites, B. settled on a sauvignon blanc. "Do you like white wine?" he asked. "I do..." I said, trailing off. He started laughing. "She's going for the reds," he announced to the bartender. After a few tastes, including a South African Pinotage that tasted, not unpleasantly, like stinky cheese, I settled on a Dona Paula Los Cardos Malbec, which was really tasty.

B. was just ending a 12-month sabbatical that his work had shortened into a six-month sabbatical. He started off talking about the six weeks he spent in Argentina fly-fishing, among other things. That set the tone for the whole evening. Neither of us have traveled too much, but every story seemed to relate to our infrequent, but influential, vacations. Him to Rome, Cinqueterra, Tuscany (I forget the town), Monaco, and Paris. Me to Paris and London.

We ordered the special pizza -- chicken apple sausage, arugula, fig, and goat cheese -- and the truffle-parmesan fries. The bartender, Carl, recommended the duck. Cooked on a rotisserie, he said the fat is rendered beautifully, so it's not unlike duck confit. (Note: It has, admittedly, been a while since I've had duck confit, but I still don't think I'd agree with the second part of his assertion.) We ordered it. It was absolutely amazing. Rich and flavorful without tasting fatty.

B. talked about how, when he went to Italy, he and his friends would go and ask the chefs for recommendations. Whether he thought he'd like it or not, he'd order whatever they were most passionate about, and he ended up having some of the best meals of his life. We talked about the genius of sitting at the bar (a common first-date theme for me, apparently). "I always try to sit at the bar," Carl chimed in. "That's where everything happens."

Carl recommended two wines to go with the duck: Tablas Creek Grenache Blend, a French winery's American vintage, and Le Chataignier Cotes du Luberon, from Provence. The French wine was much more drinkable, especially with the duck, but there was something I really liked about the Grenache.

Carl also recommended the beignets for dessert. The raspberry sauce was so decadent. B. dropped one, briefly, on his black shirt. I felt oddly reassured: he was human, he dropped things on himself.

We talked about food and wine and travel -- three things I love but never experience enough of -- for two hours straight, covering family, jobs, school, and general background along the way. When the check came, he said, "I'll get this one. You get the next one." He offered me a ride home after, which was sweet, since he lives in the East Bay, and we hugged goodnight. "Next time, Canteen," he said. "My treat," I said, walking across the street to my house.

I can't tell if I've been lucky to meet such nice guys lately, or if maybe the dating world is really maybe kind of like this. But now -- after, what, 18 years of dating? -- I finally see the fun of it all. What a nice way to spend an evening: getting to know someone new and eating delicious food (and drinking some equally amazing wine)?

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28Aug/081

Date 1: Crushing Out at Fresca

P. was heading out of town to Portland the next week, so we hung out in my neighborhood the Sunday after he showed up, unexpectedly, at my show. He had trouble figuring out where my apartment was, so he called: "Where are you again? I'm walking right by [insert shop near my house]."

I was standing outside my door, looking down the street for him. "I'm right past [insert same shop near my house]. Which way are you walking?" I asked. Cell phones to ears, we saw each other. He walked right up to me, arms outstretched in that same "hey!" gesture he gave me when he walked into the Sweetwater, and gave me a huge, passionate kiss. What an amazing way to start a first date!

The plan was pretty loose. We decided that we were going to decide where to eat when he got there, so we decided to head to Fresca, a local Peruvian mini-chain. We walk over, grinning ear-to-ear and buzzing with nervous energy. I love that part of a relationship so much, when you both know you like each other but you have no idea how it's all going to play out. It's so exciting.

We walk in, and see that there are two seats at the bar. P. started walking toward them. "Do you want to sit at the bar?" he asked, his face alive with the possibility. "Yeah!" I said. "I love doing that at sushi places. You get to watch everything happen." He started telling a story about how he learned how to make some really good mixed drinks by sitting at the bar, observing the bartender, and talking to them about their secrets. Then he started telling me about a business idea he was working on a while back: bottled mojitos. (Apparently, the trick is in getting the perfect mint flavor.)

It was one of those nights when every offhand comment leads into a great conversation, when by sharing these weird, little observations you've made about life, you discover so much about a person's history and their outlook. It felt so comfortable.

Not long into the date, he looked at me and shook his head. "Man, I am so crushing out on you right now," he said. "Me too!" I said, surprised. It had been forever since I'd felt this way about someone, and it had happened so quickly. I liked how direct he was. Normally, I don't like to lay all my cards on the table -- there's too much risk of either adding unnecessary pressure that can prevent the burgeoning relationship from growing naturally or opening yourself up to getting hurt. But it was really refreshing to just be upfront and have it be OK. We kissed at the bar. We were caught up in the moment -- in all the moments, really.

At one point, the guy sitting next to P., who was a little tipsy, pointed to the ceviche we had ordered and said he had never quite figured out how to pair wine with ceviche. After he left, P. turned to me and said, "That happens to me all the time. I can't figure out why." "It's because you're so open," I said. I realized that's one thing that really drew me to him, too.

In all fairness, I must note that this date happened in May, and I only wrote down the details in August. So forgive any marks of a faded memory on the recounting of it.