Image by Chris Griffith. CC 2.0.

In my attempt to use data to improve my dating luck, I redid my OKCupid profile. I changed my username to something that's more of a characteristic than an interest, my profile picture is now more of a flirty-face shot (though it is low-res. I need to take a new one of me making a flirty face and doing something interesting), and I redid my profile. I couldn't find good data on what makes a good profile, so I posted something and edited and edited and edited. I'm still not happy with what I have, but I'm working on it.

The site is matching me to different people this time around, and the first guy was a 34-year-old New Zealander with a laugh-out-loud profile. In his photos, he included a hand-drawn map of Australia and New Zealand, pointing out the difference. I loved his sense of humor. He seemed like someone who would be a lot of fun. He had a particularly funny thread through his profile about his love-hate relationship with "Desperate Housewives," even though he doesn't own a TV. His profile said that he responds selectively to email, so I figured, what do I have to lose.

Date: Mar. 11, 2010
Subject: Bad TV

Hello!

I had to laugh out loud--well, at several things in your profile, really--but especially at the Desperate Housewives reference. I had a boyfriend who got me into that show, which always seemed a bit wrong. I had to wait until the season hiatus after we broke up to break free of it. It helped that the writing went to hell around the same time. Not owning a TV helps keep me from falling off the wagon.

The map was a nice touch. Ah, geography. I regularly have to consult an atlas (and a thesaurus) for my job. Atlases can be humbling.

As soon as I sent it, I realized I had failed at several of the rules in the "good first email" analysis. Yes, I was literate and didn't comment on his physical appearance (FYI, he's cute), but I failed at pretty much everything else.

1. As a salutation, "Hello" actually decreases your chances of getting a response. "How's it going," "What's up," or "Howdy" significantly increases the chance of a response.
2. I not only didn't really bring up one of his specific interests, but I brought up one of his specified disinterests. He doesn't watch TV. FAIL! Sure, I mention that I don't either, but it comes at the end of a paragraph about TV that includes a reference to an ex. (Yes, his DH story included an ex, but still...) Also, I kind of insult the show! What the hell was I thinking?
3. I didn't use any cues that I had read his profile, things like "You mention," "good taste," and "noticed that." I do call out two things about his profile, but they're not really the right things.
4. It's a really boring email. OK, to be fair, "writing interesting emails" isn't one of the "rules," but only because boringness is like porn--you know it when you see it. Or perhaps, fall asleep to it.

All in all, not my best work, but a valuable lesson in email writing. Next!

Another missed opportunity, I thought. Two days later, I found two emails waiting for me on OKCupid (in my profile, I say that I'm looking for a partner-in-crime and that I'm not averse to getting into a little trouble now and again):

Date: Feb. 22, 2010
Subject: trouble maker

hey, so i'm down for a bit of trouble now and again. well, not robbing 7-11's or anything like that but at least so good natured fun. you seem fun and cute and love music- all awesome things.

i hope you're enjoying this gorgeous sunny day before the rain returns.

A great first email, right? Followed by:

Date: Feb. 23, 2010 – 11:31am
Subject: so n.

I swear i am not stalking you! but i serendipitously happened to go out last night with some friends and there you were up on the stage! sounding awesome if i do say so.

we spoke briefly afterwards when i bought a cd and you commented on my glasses. I'm listening to it now as i sit inside watching the rain and debating a cup of coffee.

i don't believe in fate or predestination but it is quite odd that i emailed you yesterday out of the blue then ran into you last night. of course this town is pretty small also.

anyway, perhaps you aren't creeped out and will write me back. if not, alas.

I was so excited! A second chance! And from his profile, he'd done some really interesting things in his life: filmmaking, building a cabin. There were so many things I wanted to ask about. I broke one of my cardinal rules and took a minute or two at work to write back:

Date: Feb. 24
Subject: so n.

This is kind of awesome.

I don't know that I believe in fate, but it is nice to think that (good) things happen for a (good) reason.

I'd ask you lots of questions about all the interesting things in your profile, but I feel like we've already gotten the first awkward conversation out of the way, so why not just meet up? Are you around this weekend? Maybe Saturday or Sunday afternoon?

He responded the next day, Thursday, suggesting that we wait until closer to the weekend to figure out when and where to meet up. I found that a little curious (how much closer to the weekend did we need to me?), but he did follow up with several great suggestions of places to meet: all small, interesting, and quirky.

We met up for pie on Sunday afternoon, about two hours before I had a dinner reservation with friends. I got there first, and settled down with a ginger lemonade and the New York Times. He came in, and we went up to get ourselves some pie. I noticed he was missing a tooth and wondered if it would be rude to ask how that happened.

He seemed a bit distracted, and I could detect a faint odor--like he'd been running around all day. Turns out he had. "I've been going since 6:30 a.m.," he said. He and his brother had become obsessed with soccer, and they watched a match at an Irish bar that morning.

"Oh, you're into soccer?" I said, excited to have something to contribute. I told him about this story I had been working on, in which we traced the geopolitical factors (type of government, former colonizing power, whether a country is a member of OPEC) that correlate with winning national soccer teams. It's one of my favorite stories that I've worked on. I was thrilled to find someone I could talk to about it.

My enthusiasm was met with a blank stare. He made a polite comment about the piece, then the conversation came to a halt. I asked him about something else in his profile. He answered the question, I commented on it, hoping to engage him in further conversation, and...nothing.

It was one of those maddening conversations between two genuinely interesting people that just doesn't go anywhere. We had zero chemistry. "Tant pis," I thought to myself as I walked to meet my friends for dinner. "Next!"

Postscript: X. texted me the next day to see if I'd like to hang out again. I said I had decided to take some time off from dating for a bit, and told him it was nice meeting him. Maybe I'll see him around. If I knew an earthier, artier girl, I would fix her up with him.

Editor's Note: Due to an accounting error, I goofed on the date number when I did the URL for this page.

Initially, I decided to take my profile down out of frustration. I gave up on online dating. But then I read that I'm in the Zone of Greatness. And I thought, "OK, ONE more chance." But this time, I'm going to do it differently.

Ever since I heard of that book Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb, I've been troubled by one thing that she says: that things we think are quirky and endearing are actually really annoying to others. I think my online dating profile could be full of these potential landmine.

So this time, I'm going to try to make my profile not be a dating minefield. I'm not leaving it to chance or my instincts. I'm doing it by the numbers.

OK Trends, the number-crunching official blog of OK Cupid, has posted a wealth of data-driven dating advice. And I'm going to follow it as closely as I can.

1. Successful profile photos. Smile, look sexy, and yeah, maybe show the cleavage.
2. What to say in a first message. Starting it off with "How's it going" gets more responses than "hello."
3. How long to make that first message. The data says that a 360-word or longer email will scare a dude off.

I'm going to try to track down more and put this all to the test. I'll let you know how it goes. First step: changing my username. My current username is boring and speaks to a hobby. My new username speaks to a trait and also implies that I am a happy person. I think this is a good move.

Also: Matt, from Online Dating Paradox, is doing a 300 emails in 30 days online dating challenge. If I can get my new profile up, I might join him. But even if I don't, I'll be cheering him on!

The post continues to depress women in their mid-30s, until then, the author turns it all around to show why women my age are EXACTLY who younger guys should be dating. Yeah, I am squarely in the middle of the Zone of Greatness.

Why all guys should want to date me, courtesy of OKTrends.

The post goes on to analyze factors guys should care about. Oddly enough, they're also things guys with younger girlfriends often complain about. Dump those girls! Date chicks in their 30s! We're self-confident! We're happy! We not squeamish about sex! We're OK with dating dudes if it won't lead to marriage (96% of 36-year-olds are OK with it vs. 62% of 18-year-olds)!

Also, we're just as hot as those frigid, fragile 20-somethings:

Many of you are probably scoffing at the idea that many 35 year-olds are as attractive as many 25 year-olds, but there are social factors at work that you might not consider as you go through life making judgments. Most importantly: nationwide, thirtysomethings are much more likely to be married and therefore much more likely to have stopped optimizing their attractiveness. So the typical 35 year-old woman you see out in the world isn't representative of the single 35 year-olds who are still dating and looking good.

I look good! My single friends look good! Y'all don't know what you're missing. Read the complete post. It's so interesting.

I stumbled across Matt from PlentyofFish's great blog post on terrible subject lines, which describes my online dating experience to a "T." (Then I commented on it, and then I realized it was from last year. Still, timeless.)

"Um, no," the dude grumbled, avoiding eye contact.

"Could I ask you to use one of the computers over there?" he asked sweetly, pointing to the other side of the store. "We try to keep these for iPhone activation only."

The dude mumbled something, then said, "Give me a second." He finished typing his email, logged out, and grudgingly picked up his things and walked to the other side of the store.

Maybe that's why I haven't been getting good matches through OKCupid lately: I don't rate well with the hippie homeless-looking types. Which, quite honestly, I'm fine with.

She recently talked to the WSJ about virtual boyfriends, which are apparently becoming popular in Japan. The article says:

Sites like “Web Kare” (“Web Boyfriend,” at Web-Kare.jp) let users choose animated characters that live on their computers and cellphones; when prompted, they’ll tell you how great you look.

I love that "they'll tell you how great you look" is the one feature mentioned.

Here are two of Lisa's dating-related articles for Wired:

• Japan's pick-up school.
• Love hotels photo gallery. (We discussed this, in a very uninformed way, in the Bros Roundtable a few months ago.)

Ed. note: I wordsmithed this about four times after I originally posted it, but it's still not that well-written.

Date: Today, 6:41 pm
Subject: You

are SO cute!
haha
That is all
Tom

I have newer pics on myspace (of course! lol)

http://www.myspace.com/[REDACTED]

so ADD ME!

Of course! lol

From: bambini***
To: [me]
Date received: March 27, 2009
Subject: Heaven must be missing an angel!
Hi There,

Venus sent you to me and I felt resonate with your profile. After seeing your charming and warm smile, I asked myself, Heaven must be missing an angel! I couldn't help responding to your profile.

I believe that we share similar values and have a few common interests. You seem to be sincere, unpretentious, and down-to-earth, and they are qualities that I truly admire in a person. I like to read, cook, excercise, watch movies, and attend cultural events among other things.

I came to the U.S. 20 years ago to continue my education in Accounting and fell in love with the Bay Area because of its gorgeous weather and cultural diversity. I am a CPA and work as a corporate tax consultant and enjoy my work.

I was born in Italy but moved to Germany with my family when I was three years old and that's where I grew up. I don't have any kids but adore them and get along very well with them.

Being as romantic as I am, I would welcome the opportunity to worship the ground you walk on if you open your heart to me.

Please keep smiling as your smile makes this world a more beautiful place to live in. Thanks for taking the time to read my letter and I certainly look forward to hearing from you soon.

Ciao,
Bruno

My smile makes the world a more beautiful place to live in! I feel so special!

Subject: Hmmmm
Date: 3/14/09

You still around?

:O)

I didn't respond. I got another.

Subject: Hmmmm
Date: 4/1/09

So correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we have SOME kind of dialogue started? Was kinda hoping to continue it, myself... And you?! :o)

Hope you're doing well...

In fact, I wasn't hoping to continue it. That's why I didn't respond. I know I'm going to sound like a hypocrite (hear me out), but I disagree with his characterization of our email exchange as a "dialogue." This is the blessing and the curse of online dating: someone can stop communicating as soon as they're not interested. Sure, I wish more guys on Match would write me back, but they don't because they don't consider me a good fit. No harm, no foul. Done. Next. But you can't take these individual rejections, for lack of a better word, personally. And you shouldn't be a glutton for punishment.

I wrote him back.

Subject: Hmmmm
Date: 4/1/09

Hi, [his name]--

You seem like a really nice guy and have a lot of good things going on in your life. The more I thought about it, it just didn't feel like you and I would be a good fit.

Good luck in your search!

Take care,
[My name]

Nothing really to say after that, right? Wrong.

Subject: Hmmmm
Date: 4/1/09

Well, I have to admit that I AM a little disappointed, but I DO understand... And yeah, I am SO beyond the "trying to fit a square peg into a round hole" phase of my life... Been there, done that.

Best of luck to you as well...

Take care,
[His name]

I'm glad I trusted my instincts here and didn't pursue even another email with this guy. He seems nice, however, if we met up even for coffee, I would regret it about five minutes into it. Plus, I suspect he'd be hard to shake after a break-up.